Realization of Loss
by Mareessa
Summary: [Takes Place after Anime/DR2. ALSO ON AO3] After awaking from the Neo World Program Hajime is met with less the enthusiastic reactions from his friends and the rest of the future foundation. Despite his protests everyone believes he is still Izuru and is forced into to solitude in order to "bring back" his past self. And in this solitude he comes to realise all he has lost...[BxB]
1. Awakening

"Don't be scared Hajime. The world might seem dull and the future hopeless but in the end everything will come through. "

* * *

 **Awakening**

The first thing he felt was coldness and water.

Slowly his eyes opened and he was met with the black metal encasing of the small pod. His entire body felt as if he had been run over by some sort of truck and his chest burned with each breath he took almost as if in any moment it would cave in. Water covered the majority of his body soaking the thin piece of clothing that covered most of his body with his large mass of hair doing the rest.

Shuddering he attempted to move his arms towards the roof of the pod only to feel his bones ache with his fingers twitching. He narrowed his eyes realising that he must have been asleep for longer than he thought and his body wasn't used to moving anymore. A crease formed on his forehead as he tried to remember anything that could help get him free from the pod feeling as if he where suffocating from it's shrinking size.

'the-'

The boy blinked and moved his head to the side to see if anyone else was in the pod with him. He was met with the vacant dark blue hue that sat above him causing him to frown. A voice had been by his ear almost as if someone where laying next to him whispering into it. Could he be hearing things? This seemed to be the only logical explanation for what was happening but then again he was locked in some kind of metal container filled with water so anything could be possible.

His head began to hurt and he whimpered feeling a burning sensation grow behind his eyes.

'Hajime.'

'-the side. Push the side.'

That name. It sounded familiar to the boy but he didn't remember hearing it before. His frown deepens as he realized he couldn't really remember anything from before awaking except for the soft voice of a girl and a pair of red eyes. Pain filled his body and he hissed gritting his teeth to keep from screaming.

The side...the side...could the voice mean for him to push something on the side of the pod? Breathing heavily he began to try and move his fingers again the small limbs twitching ever now and then. Fire filled his body as he kept trying to move them each attempt making them move more and more. Within what seemed like hours he was able to clench his hands for a few seconds before the pain became unbearable.

He could do this.

Moving his hands towards the side of the pod he felt large grooves and tubes coming from it. The only thing he could think that they where there for was to filter in the water than he was floating in so he left them alone and started to to farther down where the grooves got larger and tubes nonexistent. Something sharp hit his nails and he stopped holding his breath.

'cut yourself with the metal.'

'why?'

He was hesitant to talk to the voice fearing that he was truly going insane but he felt as if he should trust him. A warm feeling spread through his chest and he felt his hand wrap around the blade cutting into the skin. He tried to pull away from it but it was as if he had lost control of his body and forced to stab himself over and over again.

'stop! It hurts!'

'quiet. It's our only way out Hajime. The pod will sense that we've injured ourselves and will alert Makoto Neagi-'

Whatever else the voice was going to say it would have to wait as the top of the pod burst open with a loud slam allowing him to envelope in bright white light. He began to try and sit up wanting to get out of the prison as fast as he could but a pair arms stopped him holding him in place. Cobalt blue eyes stared down at him accusing from behind glasses sending chills down his spine.

The blonde was squeezing his shoulders so hard that he felt his fingers dig into his flesh causing him to yelp in pain. He didn't look like he wanted to let go however loud footsteps could be heard from begin and soon the man had to pull away from him forcefully.

"Byakuya! What are you doing!"

The new voice sounded familiar and soft like someone who had just woken up from a deep dream. He pursued his lips together and grabbed onto the sides of the pulling himself up to sit. Water dripped from his hair and body drenching the floor as loud gasp filled the room. Startled he looked up to see a brown haired teen with wide green eyes.

'the new hope..!'

"Hope?" He said a burning sensation passing through his chest as he spoke to himself eyebrows raised in question.

The boy and the blonde man looked at one another as if he had said something wrong. He bit his lip fearing for the worst and put his now mutilated hand in his lap waiting for them to speak.

Minutes passes in silence with the previously comatose boy looking around the dark room with interest the area feeling more familiar than anything else had. This disturbed him with the lights in it being to bright like the ones in a hospital room and the windows being bolted shut with large sheets of metal. He wondered, dully if he was some sort of prisoner.

"Where am I?" The boy blinked sluggishly at the ground. "Who am I?"

First to speak was the blonde man, Byakuya he had heard the younger male call him. There was certain feel to him that made the boy want to pull the pod roof back down and go back into his dreamless sleep. It was his eyes mostly filled unconstrained hate and malice. All of this disgust towards him he couldn't figure out what for and the voice had suddenly gone quiet.

"Your in Future Foundation Headquarters. I suppose your memory is a little wonky from being pulled from the program so fast but that doesn't mean you can play dumb Izuru Kamukura."

"Future Foundation? Program? Izuru Kamukura?" Not-Izuru shook his head unable to figure out anything he was saying. Hopefully the other teen could help him. "What is he talking about?"

Hope shuffled his feet as he spoke giving off his frowning unease to the older boy. Not-Izuru began to feel threatened from the two and curled up his body into a ball shivering. Everything began to hurt again and his eyelids felt heavy. The urge to fall back to sleep began to grow causing him to jolt up in fear.

'hajime!'

"Hajime-Senpai are you okay?!" Hope shouted grabbing onto the boy pushing Byakuya out of the in the process. Worry filled the boy's eyes as he watched the former ultimate despair breath heavy with sweat gathering on his forehead.

"Uh." Not-Izuru shook his head his tongue feeling suddenly to big for his mouth and coughed into the other boy's shirt. "I'm tired."

He looked up at the two and winced feeling his body lock up in a new onslaught of pain. When he began to try and speak he felt a low buzzing sound his head become faint with a foul taste in his mouth. Sweat dripped down the back of his gown as he dug his nails into his already bloody palms. Finally after what seemed like hours of agony he spoke and the pair's eyes widened in disbelief.

"Why did you wake us up?!"

* * *

 **Izuru is back and pissed!**


	2. Merging

**Awakening**

 _"Memories...something that can burden a person for years with waves of guilt and regret. Figments of your imagination that can twist you into something dark and cruel. We don't need them. We don't need these accursed memories."_

* * *

 **Merging**

Emotions.

Izuru Kamukura had never felt them.

The word was something he considered foreign and vacant. It gave him no satisfaction or feeling of loss whenever someone brought it up only the endless boringness that was his entire existence. Boring. The word was one he felt a brotherly bond with both of them not expecting anything from what came before or after them. He hadn't ever taken the time to think about recovering his forgotten memories and this to had not bothered him that much.

To someone with endless knowledge and inhuman amounts of skill his past self was nothing but a figment in his mind. A fragment that contained slivers of hopes and dreams for the future he had once held. At first he had been curious to why he would ever sign over his life to such a pitiful organization such as Hope's Peak Academy since all he had seen from the men and woman that taught him where fear filled smiles and tense glances.

The very people that created him had feared him. Whispers followed everywhere he had went in the facility and his cell was more of a escape from their raw emotions than a prison. However in the past they had seen him as merely a lab rat. It all began to change soon after his first encounter with Enoshima and the student council massacre was a nail in his coffin.

And with that nail came a stake in the remains of his heart. Izuru barely remembered the day that the plan to engulf the world in despair finished and he witnessed the small girl's death. All he could see was the blurriness of the tears in his eye and the waves of terror and heartbreak. He didn't know if Hajime had loved the girl with pink hair but he did know at that moment the figment that had haunted him for months broke into a million pieces.

'Hajime...'

The following two and a half years where filled with blandness and confusion. He felt lost amidst the raw emotions the survivors had felt fighting the insanity that was once their world. Anyone who dared to challenge him where easily taken down and he was left alone to dwell on his thoughts. As far as he knew Hajime Hinata was a nobody, a mistake waiting to be put in it's place. The boy had craved the love and pride of his parents but only received scoldings and disappointed sighs in return.

Still he held onto hope and began to do anything to earn his parents pride. He studied day and night loosing his friends one by one until he became a loner. Anytime he had to spare he spent on researching anything, anything at all that could reveal that maybe he had some talent. Empty stares from doctors, remorseful grunts from his father about giving birth to a disappointment, staying up at night from crying to hard. He didn't understand why Hajime hadn't just given up like any normal person but he was stubborn.

'...'

And that stubbornness had gotten him destroyed. The boy known as Hajime Hinata was someone he tried to mourn over and hold dear in his heart but he felt nothing. It was like he no longer remembered what it felt like to cry. The cold remorseless body he now had wouldn't allow him to feel the pain of loss ever again and he began to fear it.

'why are you hiding.'

When he received news of Future Foundation coming his way he didn't know what to think of it. Could they possibly aide him in his search to salvage what remained of his former self? Could they bring Hajime back to him?

He didn't want to wait for a answer. Izuru had found that even though he was extremely intelligent and observant remnants of his former personality still remained. That stubbornness drove him to reveal himself to the Remnants of Despair and the future foundation despite the consequences. This did cause him to have to act like a former student of Hope's Peak for a little while but he didn't mind of as much as he thought he would.

After all he had a purpose for doing this all.

:-:-:-:-:

"Byakuya Togami and Makoto Neagi." Izuru said plainly as he looked at each of the former students of Hope's Peak one by one. "It's been a long time hasn't it."

He received no answer at first and simply laid his palms face down in his lap...no their lap he reminded himself. The possibility of something this impossible happening, the merging of his former personality and behaviours with his own still seemed odd to him. He wished to talk to Hajime when he was less out of it later but now he had to deal with them.

A fan buzzed behind his ears loudly throwing his long locks if her hair in front of his face. He made no move to move it only staring straight ahead at the shocked agents before him. Odd enough he found it amusing that they hadn't figured out what happened yet.

"What seems to be the problem? Did Hajime scare you two or something." Odd. This whole roster of emotions felt odd.

Izuru pondered on it for a moment allowing the feelings to sink in for sometime. After a few minutes he decided to try again.

'Hajime can you hear me?'

The only answer he received was the sound of the fan behind his head and the buzzing of the rest of the pods. Sighing he attempted to get up from where he sat only to see the to before him backup immediately. Izuru licked his lips feeling a new, pleasant sensation go through his body.

Pleasure! Fear! Adrenaline!

All of these emotions, all of these animalistic creatures sat buzzing in his body waiting to tear into the men in front of him. Though he found no joy in killing others Izuru felt the temptation to crush there tiny little skulls grow with every breath he took. He licked his lips again and took another step forward ignoring the pain in his legs.

This was strange. This was fun. This was...this was...

"Terrifying." Izuru whispered to himself his hands clenched at his side.

He felt his legs give in and he collapsed onto his side. His body tremored as he felt the wave of terror him like a landslide. Never in his life had he felt this. Never in his life had he dared to show weakness to those unworthy, to people he saw as meager worms.

No. He didn't want this feeling. This empathy for others. This fear for his physical and mental wellbeing. Izuru Kamakura was invincible. He was stronger then the average human being and smarter then hundreds of humans combined. He wasn't supposed to feel like this.

He wasn't supposed to feel.

:-:-:-:-:-:

Togami wasted no time slamming his fist into the alarm. He still found it hard to believe that the ultimate hope had been strong enough to wake up and it startled him that he could walk. The man should have been to damaged from the program to even function correctly at first. This was something they hadn't accounted for and he thanked god that he only made it one step before collapsing.

The emergency siren rang throughout the building as he heard the sound of running behind him. Hopefully the men in his division arrived first and not those Munakata fanatics. There where to many people in the foundation who wanted to simply eradicate everything from there despair ridden world and start anew even if it meant killing thousands.

"Makoto we need to make sure he can't escape." He turned towards his former classmate scowling at the worried look in his eyes. "Makoto! Now is not the time to try and save everyone."

He gritted his teeth and looked back outside the basement doorway. No one had arrived yet and hopefully they'd have enough evidence to save themselves from the incoming trial.

"Sorry Byakuya." Makoto blushed and ran over to the man helping him off the ground.

Togami groaned inwardly when Makoto asked him if he was hurt in anyway and made his way towards the pods control system. He hissed when the pod for Izuru flashed a dark red indicating it's malfunction. Hundreds of thousands of dollars in research down the drain all for useless rejects. He rubbed at his face and closed the panel making sure it was locked shut.

They didn't need the foundation finding out about the malfunction or else they'd shut down the other pods. And that would mean that the others would starve to death or worse be cooked alive from the technology connected to there brains. As much of the ultimate despair annoyed him he wasn't going to just them die.

He needed to have Izuru observed though. A man like him, capable of performing talents owned by thousands if not millions of people in one body with so little morality, would be a disaster if left on his own. They needed to find someone or somewhere strong enough to hold him. And fast.

Togami adjusted his glasses with glare. There was no time to waist they needed to get out of here and alert there divisions quickly.

"Makoto put Izuru on your back. We need to go find Kyoko."


	3. Resurgence

**Merging**

 _"Death and Rebirth. Two enemies that are one and the same. Just like us Hajime, we are two different minds in the same vessel. I am the strong one but you are the resilient one."_

* * *

 **Resurgence**

 _"You're scared."_

 _It wasn't a question. They both knew deep down that he was right in this situation and that only made it harder. Hajime sighed uncurling his body from the feeble position he had taken to when he first went back into his mind and looked around. Everything was cold and dark completely unwelcoming compared to the outside world._

 _The outside world that **he** remembered was bright from the sun that beamed from above and covered head to toe in tall buildings. People from all over would walk around the streets and hundreds if not thousands of new faces would pass by him. It was warm and delicate. Just like a piece of paper, one brush of a palm could topple over everything and leave the outside world in chaos. _

_He felt safe out there. But he never felt loved and in here that empty feeling was amplified until he felt like he couldn't breath. Out there he wanted to be free, in here he wanted to be let out. Despite there differences in his mind both of them where just mirror images. They where always the same horrible place._

 _"Of course I'm scared." He whimpered holding onto his hair tightly tangling his fingers threw it's coarse strands._

 _Why wouldn't he be. In the outside world everyone hurt him! His parents hurt him. His classmates hurt him. Hope's Peak destroyed him...but she hurt him the most. She left him all alone with that smile on her face, that glimmer of hope snuffed out before his eyes._

 _After that pain had been the only thing **he** felt. A unimaginable amount of pain that kept him from breathing. It made him suffocate as he sat trapped in his own body forces to watch the suffering she was put three in her final moments. Knowing he had done it all, that in the end he got a sick thrill from it. Even back then Hajime knew how much the operation had failed._

 _They would kill him for it._

 _He couldn't go back. If he went back they would punish him for killing all those people and the cycle would start all over again. No one would believe him then so no one would believe him now. Still he was so scared being all alone with his thoughts and that stupid voice. All it did was mock him, all it did was remind him of what he did._

 _"I just wanna go home. I wanna go home." He cried yanking at his hair until he felt the roots rip out of his skull blood droplets painting his skin. "I want out! Let me out!"_

 _It was so cold here. It was so lonely to be trapped in your mind, your own body. He didn't want to be like this anymore but he was stuck. Stuck in this dark place where everything just echoed and hurt him._

 _Hajime shivered and started to cry. His parents where probably already dead killed brutally by the world he helped build. The outside world could only hate him! He was a monster! He killed hundreds if not millions of people due to his stupid boredom! He even helped kill Nanami!_

 _This was all wrong. This wasn't supposed to happen this was supposed to fix him. He was supposed to become useful to the world. Everyone was supposed to love him. No one would ignore him anymore and no one would just leave him again._

 _But they did they all did in the end. It was lies. Everything he'd been told where all lies._

 _"Please anyone make it stop. I'm scared I don't want this don't drill in my head anymore...don't take out my brain...don't...don't make me forget." He sobbed only to be greeted by silence._

 _"Please I'm so scared! I don't want it anymore! Make them stop! Make it stop!" Hajime looked around for the voice and cried when he couldn't hear it._

 _It was just like before as it had always been. He was all alone, strapped down to the examination table with no one to hear his desperate cries._

 _:-:-:-:-:_

The walk with Kyoko was silent. All three of the former ultimates hadn't said a word since they left the woman's office and they didn't even flinch when alarms went off behind them. There footsteps echoed against the empty corridors walls, the room hollow besides a few stray boxes laying around.

Togami was tense as he walked in the back of the two, watching the other man carry the unconscious monster. A monster was the only thing he could think of him as. Not as a terrorist. Not as a victim, he had helped kill thousands if not billions of people.

And only for something to stimulant his mind. It disgusted him and made his mouth dry up in fear. He knew if they weren't involved with the future foundation, if he had met the man in the state he was in right after the killing game, he would have killed him. He could only hope that his deceased classmates would agree with.

However Kirigiri and Makoto where determined to save the beast and interrogate him. He knew that at least Kirigiri shared some of his hatred for him while Mailto was a entirely different case. He was someone who always tried to be a hero and save someone, putting everything at risk for one out of many.

It was irrational and anyone with sense would try to stop him from doing it. But sadly no one at the foundation had enough time to spare to properly reeducate him. So for now he would have to deal with the golden boy's decisions himself.

They came a stop right in front of a door which from the what the window allowed you to see was a flight of stairs. Putting his hands in his pocket Togami laid back against a nearby wall.

"This is where we'll keep him," Kirigiri said her voice in it's usual nonchalant tone.

Togami narrowed his eyes staring at nearby security cameras that now sat immobilized. It felt to easy that they had gotten away without anyone noticing them or even someone radioing for them to report with the other leaders. He looked down at his feet the shoes covered in small specks of dirt and dust.

Distasteful, he looked back up at the expectant two startled that they where waiting for his response. He had never seen the pair to ever act out of anything besides sheer will and them waiting for his approval was unsettling.

"Isn't this to obvious? We're only hiding him in the basement." He said watching Makoto's face fall.

Kirigiri looked just as calm as she had been moments before responding after a tense pause. "Months ago this part of the building was closed off after the damage in it was deemed to extreme to fix with the little funds we manage to scrap up. It's in the possession of division five but they rarely use it and as far as I know, they don't even remember asking for it."

He had to admit it did sound like the perfect place to hide the piece of filth. No one would notice them taking supplies out as they often had to give them to strays that walked the contaminated streets and they could finally begin to treat the man. Waking up from stasis wasn't a joke, they could be dealing with a vegetable when he wakes up.

Either way it would save what remained of the world from another emotionless killer who took the lives of innocents in hundreds of ways of torture and pain for entertainment. Some could call Izuru Kamukura the world's third most successful serial killer, right after Genocider and the mastermind herself.

He had seen the reports. The endless pictures of charred corpses steaming from nuclear bombs, the lifeless bodies of half devoured animals struggling to decompose, buildings collapsing within themselves crushing those inside into a red paste. Togami has witnessed it all and he couldn't allow the way his blood froze at the sight of the maniac helpless and weak.

Receiving a nod from him they began to walk the down the narrow stairway ignoring the way it creaked under there bodies. The unconscious body of Izuru swayed back and forth, his near transparent skin glowing against the basements fluorescent lights. If he didn't know what the man was truly like, he would have thought of him as fragile.

Togami sighed and pushed against the bridge of his glasses. His mind was running with a million possibilities and theories but known of them made sense. He couldn't understand why the ultimate had woken up without the rest of his classmates or the fact he appeared to remember what happened in the simulation. Everything felt like he was in some sort of nightmare worse than what had already happened in his now hellish life.

Before he knew it they reached the end of the stairs with Makoto fumbling in his steps and Kirigiri reaching out to help him from falling. A small smile quicker onto his lips before vanishing as he took the whole cell like room in for the first time.

What hit him first was the fresh scent of mildew over the other more powerful and older smell of blood. The walls where cracked but remained perfectly intact despite there growing decay and the floor was fitted with a unpleasant burgundy carpet that looked to old for wear. There where also no windows, with cement filling the place they once sat.

It was only big enough for all four of them to stand in and at that it was long enough to fit maybe only a bed and dressed in. To anyone else the room would be simply impossible to live in but Togami couldn't help but to pleased in what they managed to find.

Makoto frowned, his arms wrapped around the still prisoners body protectly. "Are you sure that it's safe for him to be in here alone?"

Nodding her head Kirigiri smoothed the thin white sheet that covered the room's bed and looked away from the two. She looked tired.

"Yes it will be just enough space to keep him from panicking and trying to escape. The foundation won't find him for a very longtime." She lifted up the sheets showing thick metal cuffs attached to the bedpost.

Seeing the former ultimate hope's face drop at the sight of the cuffs Togami put a hand on his shoulder startling him. Looking up his cheeks had returned to a faint blush making his chest warm a bit.

"We can't trust him Makoto no matter what actually happened in the Neo World Program and what was just coded to accur," The smaller boy's eyes darkened at his words. "For all we know this could all be apart of Junko's master plan."

"But we watched her die." Makoto argued looking back and forth at the two for confirmation. "Twice we've watched her be killed, we reformed all the ultimate despairs there's no w-"

"-but there's no guarantee that she didn't corrupt people beyond those just at Hope's Peak Academy. Psychological Conditioning can't just naturally happen or be fixed Makoto. It will take years to undo the damage she has done to him and even longer for the others. The ultimate despair are still our enemy."

The two stare at one another with Makoto glaring heartedly at the floor in the end. Reluctant he handed over Izuru's limp body to Kirigiri who gently laid him down onto the mattress. He watched as the man's malnourished body caused the bed to dip from his weight and the way his hair fell over his pale face. From where he stood he could have sworn he saw tremors going three his body.

It was still hard to believe just minutes before the dying man stood in front of them, his steely eyes flickering with his growing bloodlust. His posture had been strong and his way of staring down at them as if he where simply accessing the best way to snap their necks without getting his clothes dirty. Those frail hands could have broken them without a single quiver.

Narrowing his eyes Togami leaned back and waited.

* * *

His throat burned as he took in a desperate breath. His eyes snapped open only to close against the searing light that glared down above him. A massive headache had come during his state of unconsciousness and Izuru felt if he tried to move his bones would break.

Soon he became aware of the fact that he couldn't move from the waist up and his arms where freezing cold. He wiggled his legs only for a hand to clamp down around them stopping them from moving any further. He opened his eyes again giving his captor a weak glare.

Cold red met washed out hazel as the two former ultimate hope's stared at one another. Izuru felt a brief flash of recognition that made his eyes narrow before it disappeared just as fast as it came. He leaned back, relaxing his body and calmly turned on his side no longer facing the younger man.

"I see that you've let the headmaster's daughter in on this," He gave what could only be described as a crooked grin. "Whose next? The fake psychic? The filthy introvert? They all seem very interesting."

They all looked at one another shocked by his biting tone. Not that he cared anyway, the former ultimate could barely withhold his newfound rage in his body. The only thing that kept him from kicking the person holding him in the crotch was the state of his body.

The pod hadn't done him any favors with his skin flaky and pale, his eyes sunken in with a haunted look to them and his body trembled every five seconds in unimaginable pain. He felt as if he where dying and silently hoped that he would fall unconscious again.

He curled his hands into fists digging his nails into the middle of his palm. Sweat covered his body in a thick sheen and his mouth felt like sandpaper. Combined with his massive growth in emotional input, he wanted to beat someone to death. Badly.

He knew he was supposed to feel bad for it, but he just couldn't. Not that he was trying to anymore.

"Is that you Hajime-kun? Or are we talking to Mr. Kamukura?" Kyoko asked slowly.

Izuru gritted his teeth together, keeping the vomit in his throat down. He nodded rigidly at the last question feeling his body struggle not to seize up.

Kyoko looked satisfied letting go of his legs. He instantly pulled them to his chest and wrapped his arms around them hugging himself. He watched her not even flinching when she put a hand on his shoulder.

"Well then, we have some very important questions for you Mr. Kamukura."


End file.
